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 Wife Raped and I can't stop thinking about it!
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4 Posts

Posted - 09/15/2009 :  1:45:11 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
I am really having a hard time being supportive to my wife of 10 years. She was drinking, drugged and had a concussion. The suspect raped her and then said it was consensual 4 days later. How do I deal with this? Is anytype of Hypnotherapy really the answer? And what about joint sessions. My wife does and at the same time doesn't want to remember. Because the suspect is the husband of her best friend since the age of 10. She feels that if she just holds onto the dream image of having sex with me. She'll be able to survive this. But the problem is just like other women. She wonders if she really played any part into all of this.

My mind is on overdrive and I haven't slept for 3 weeks without sometype of sleep aide.

Here is the complete story... I hope one of you can help or guide me in the right direction. I feel that I'm loosing her and myself!!

Full Story of Wife being raped (Jul 29th)

I thought that you reading everything in one story would get all the facts across. There are a number a factors behind the delay in reporting this crime and it's all stated below.

I was told that I had to do a Courtesy Report with the Police Department in my town(Oceanside, Ca). Once completed (7 Aug), the report was sent to Sgt Randy Robinson 2 days later (9 Aug). I kept calling Sgt Robinson to inform him that the report was there. He continuously denied receiving it. I went back and forth with the Oceanside PD to verify the completion of the report. And they provided proof that the report was sent at 1:26 pm on the 9th and again 4:16 on the 12th. Sgt Robinson finally admitted that the report was there but never transferred to the Bakersfield format and never printed off. That was August 17th, 10 days after the report was filed. Sgt Robinson apologized and said that he would have a Detective contact my wife in the next 2 days. I requested that he try to hurry because of the delay w/ the report and to let her tell the complete story because the Oceanside PD just asked questions and my wife felt that she didn’t get all the facts out. That night, a Detective Onesky called twice to question my wife. Once again my wife felt that she wasn’t able to get all the information out and was getting frustrated.

Three days later w/out hearing anything, I called Sgt Robinson and left a voice mail message requesting a status. And to provide some amplifying info that my wife wanted to pass. I again call on Thursday afternoon because we hadn’t heard anything back. Sometime later, Detective Onesky called my wife to inform her that she needed to tell me to stop calling. Sgt Robinson had passed to him that I had been “Calling a lot and need to stop!” He also, told my wife the Rape Investigation was more or less closed because the Suspect and the Suspects wife refused to talk. Therefore my wife should just DROP IT! She wouldn’t want to put herself through a court hearing where there was just a HE said, SHE said. It would be an almost guarantee that she would loose and go through it all for nothing. Here’s my complaint. My wife was raped! Telling the facts over and over and not having the Police do anything because they can’t find the report is very frustrating. So, I stepped in to be the middle man to protect my wife. Doing so, the Sgt wouldn’t call me back. He had his Detective call my wife to tell me to stop calling. (I didn’t know 2 phone calls where a lot.) Also, the Detective basically convinced my wife that she had NO HOPE with the investigation!! The man that raped her only has to stay silent. She then turns to me a STATES THAT SHE WAS GOING TO KILL HERSELF!!! I really appreciate these 2 Professionals and the way they handled this case. What ever happened to instilling confidence and to protect and Serve? What ever happened to arresting a suspect once he was accused of a crime? Then searching the scene for evidence and reading the e-mails from the Suspects wife that states sex did occurred. Neither of these were done.

A Lawyer for the DA's office also called and politely re-enforced the decision by explaining the rules. I want everybody out there to read this next portion twice. That way it will hopefully sink in and you'll understand California's Backward Laws.

The Lawyer (Lisa Green) stated "Even if the Suspect walked into the Police station and Confessed to Drugging, hitting the victim over the head causing a concussion and then Raping her. California Law prohibits charges being filed because there is NO EVIDENCE!"

Below are the facts of the case:

My wife (Sara) stated that she was out w/ her best friend of 22 years (Misty) to celebrate her upcoming Birthday (6:45PM / Café Med) and they met up w/ the friends husband(Brent) after dinner. Sometime w/in the first hour (NLT 8PM) she started to black out and has only spotty memories of the evening to include non-stop throwing up, numbness and weakness running through her entire body, a burning sensation in her hands an intense dream of sex w/ me, her Husband. Throughout the night she remembers bits and pieces as if it was a dream, to include lying on a bathroom floor throwing up, and talking to me. She remembers, waking up and her legs where up and someone was having sex with her. Her comments were “Baby, what are you doing, you’re going to get into trouble for coming home again.” My wife said that she had a dream that I came home from work to surprise her again for her Birthday. She blacks out again. She then remembers saying “NO, STOP!! You’re going to get me pregnant! The voice answers “Don’t worry, I’ll get a condom.” 2 reasons, that this is wrong. My wife and I have been together since she was 19. I took her virginity and she had never been with anyone else. Also, we don’t use condoms because she gets sick from them and spends the next month and a half in and out of the hospital. She has an allergic reaction to them. Therefore, she wouldn’t ever ask for one!! She blacks out again and wakes up face down w/ the individual behind her. Where he states” I’m going to F--- you all night long.” She again blacks out.. Later she is shaking partially awake and hears someone telling her “Sara, I'm going to come see you again in the morning."

Later she is shaking awake again and hears someone asking her “Where are your underwear Sara. Put your underwear on!” She wakes up a little later (8:30am) to find the she doesn’t have any underwear on and doesn’t remember where she is or what happened. She just knows and feels something has happened. Her body is numb and weak, she can hardly move her head and her hands are tingling. She realized that she was in Misty and Brent’s guest bedroom (Seven Oaks). She is still throwing up and calls out for Misty. Misty finally comes in and Sara tells her that she thinks that I was there and we had sex. Misty tells her that it must have been a wild dream. Sara was adamant that something happened and she had sex with someone. And she thinks that it was Brent. Misty states that it must have been a dream and she told Sara the events of the evening.

These events my Wife has no memory of. (8PM – 8:30AM)

Eating a Pizza before they came home (BJ’s). Drinking a Shot. Ordering a Pear Cider (VIP). Hitting her head twice on the side of a Taxi which later we found out she had a concussion. Lying on the Bathroom floor at Misty’s house throwing up for a couple of hours. Being cleaned up, dressed and put into the guest bedroom by Misty and Brent putting a trash can beside the bed.

Also, she has no memory of consenting to sex.

Misty also, told my wife that she and Brent sat downstairs (while she was puking in the bathroom) in their Bar commenting on how “they had never seen her like that. It was as if the lights were on but nobody was home.” She also, stated that Brent locked up the house and they both went to bed together.

Misty then proceeds to leave for a hair appointment, leaving my wife in the same house with the guy that she thinks just raped her.

My wife didn’t want to believe it but she needed to ask Brent. So she did, He stated, “No way, it must have been a dream. You’re completely safe here and you’re like family. You can come and go whenever”

Talking with Misty for the next 4 days my wife was starting to believe that it couldn’t have happened and she didn’t want to believe it happened either, but she was still throwing up and her head hurt. She had bruises on her neck, left jaw and on both upper arms that looked like hand prints. So she informed Misty that she was going to the hospital to get checked. Sometime during the hospital visit, Misty informed Brent and he then admitted that he had consensual sex with my wife. I feel that this was to protect himself when it would be shown that she had sex.

Misty didn’t call or return any of my wife’s calls for another 4 days. That’s 8 days since the event and my wife had no knowledge or reason to be checked for rape or drugs. She was only checked for a concussion. Which she did have one. She didn’t get the bruises checked because she didn’t want to know.

Misty informed my wife through an e-mail. Stating” that she couldn’t believe that my wife had offered herself to her husband and he accepted. Sometime that night Brent states that my wife and he made a plan to have sex when they got home. Misty also said that Brent found my wife in the hallway of the house wondering and put her back into bed. That’s when he states they had consensual sex in the guest bedroom.

All of these details don’t make since to me. If a plan was made to meet up for sex and then my wife ends up to wasted or drugged and has to be cleaned up and put to bed w/ a trash can. How and where does consent come into play? My wife came home that night to Oceanside California and told me. I took her to the Oceanside PD (7 Aug) and the Emergency room to be checked again. Police Report made and facts are above at the beginning.

As for the Emergency room.

My wife is currently under going an antibiotic treatment for an infection from the spermicidal fluid in a condom. She is now under going counseling for Rape and for having Suicidal thoughts.

All I’m asking is for someone please help my wife and I find some type of peace from this. To-date, this entire Police experience has been beyond a nightmare. I’m still waiting for anybody to tell me anything and to help put the owner of the 17th Street Cigar Bar, in jail.......... I am looking for justice. And knowing the man who raped my wife and not doing anything about it is killing me. The simple reason of why not, is that he's already done damage. If I retaliate and do something to him, my family would be destroyed completely.

I'm not stupid but I do need help. What can I do to stop all of these thoughts or even re-direct the feelings? How do I go about approaching the subject with my wife. What's in her best interest. I need advice from a woman that has been there and knows what to do or what not to do.

Please help!!!!!!!!!


724 Posts

Posted - 09/15/2009 :  4:20:01 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Counseling is a good thing and should help her make some progress, if the counselor is good. If your wife doesn't feel like she is making progress after several weeks, look for a different counselor. Couples counseling would probably be a good thing too - if you haven't considered it yet.

Yes, analytical hypnosis helps in these situations. Most (not all) women feel guilt, anger and fear after something like this (from Misty's reaction to the event, in addition to the event itself). These feelings and others can often lead to suicidal thoughts. Analytical hypnosis can help reduce and, optimally, get rid of those feelings associated with the initial incident, as well as the subsequent incidents (police interviews etc..)

A similar approach would very likely help you cope with things as well.

Note: analytical hypnosis is different than suggestion/ericksonian/nlp hypnosis. If you look for a hypnotist in your area, ask them if they practice analytical hypnosis or not.

Patrick Glancy, CI, BCH
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4 Posts

Posted - 09/15/2009 :  10:21:48 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
We went and saw a Psychiatrist today. In order to get something for my wife to sleep. We asked about Hypnotherapy and he stated that if he was aware of the case within 12 hours of the rape. He would of did a drug induced relax state to get the facts out and then do a Beta blocker to keep anything else from coming out after. But for it being almost 2 months now. He said that there is little to do. I don't want to accept that answer. Is there something else?

Edited by - Franklin0908 on 09/15/2009 10:23:45 PM
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724 Posts

Posted - 09/15/2009 :  10:44:42 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Yes. The something else would be talking with an experienced hypnotist. I've not yet met a psychiatrist or psychologist whom is a good hypnotist. If they are not practicing hypnosis full-time, they will be lacking in education/experience.

I've talked with people that have had drug induced states. (never had a problem creating verbally induced hypnosis so no first hand experience with drug induced) I've heard beta blockers do not provide reliable results. There are more recent studies using propranolol that are more promising than beta blockers. But, the side effects of "erasing" a memory are not well studied.

A person can not change what has happened in the past. But, a good hypnotist can help that person adjust/change/remove emotions that are associated with that past. Thereby creating a more stable, long term improvement.

I do speak from experience. I have a full-time, 5 day per week hypnosis practice. Most of my clients are women. Many of them have had abuse and/or rape in their past. Some up to 40 years ago. We're still able to work through it fine and the clients experience notably significant improvement in self-esteem, reduced emotional stress and increased peace of mind. Many of them had suicidal thoughts previous to the hypnosis work.

I can not recommend using hypnosis in place of conventional medicine, but definitely in addition to conventional medicine. Be aware of, and keep an eye out for, the potential side effects of the Rx she is given.

Patrick Glancy, CI, BCH

Edited by - patrickg on 09/15/2009 10:49:06 PM
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724 Posts

Posted - 09/19/2009 :  10:45:00 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
You have asked questions regarding how hypnosis can help. I believe I've answered that the best I'm able here.

It might be better for now if you look for a reputable couples/family therapist. That would help you and your wife get SOME progress/stability since this event happened. Then re-asses things and look for the next step.

Patrick Glancy, CI, BCH
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4 Posts

Posted - 09/21/2009 :  7:11:20 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
OK.. I've been talking with my counselor and she has been mentioning Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) . What do you know and think about this in relation to me?
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724 Posts

Posted - 09/21/2009 :  7:39:13 PM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
I'm not a big fan of eye movement OR desensitization. I know how to do desensitization but would never do that to a client.... that being said....

If your insurance will pay for it, probably worth trying. BUT, make sure you and your wife are both happy with results - or not.

Rate your average emotional stress level on a scale of 0 to 10 with 10 being highest. Do that before, and then again, after the appointment(s).

Helps give you a more objective perspective of results.

Patrick Glancy, CI, BCH
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11 Posts

Posted - 11/14/2009 :  06:54:54 AM  Show Profile  Reply with Quote
Before you can hope to help your wife you need to get help in putting this whole event in perspective. You have also experienced a great loss! Nevertheless, you wife needs unconditional acceptance and an understanding you can only give once you get your head and heart under control. I would advise you to seek help from an experienced hypnotist who has experience dealing with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). You would well advised to find a therapist that has a good working relationship with a licensed Physician. Although your run-of-the-mill psychologists and psychiatists are poorly trained in hypnosis, there are open-minded physicians out there that are very open to working with an expert hypnotist.

Also,keep a sense of optimism and acceptance whenever you are around your wife. As difficult as it may be to do, focus on her needs right now and go see someone about getting your thoughts back to where they should be. Your wife needs your unconditional support.

Jorge Haedo, M.D.
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